Crime and, well, crime

Reading the news from back home, I'm hearing about government budget problems and cuts of all sorts. Even the Governator can't cut through all these issues. It made me think about how it is to live without an effective police force, because that's exactly where I live. Lagos, Nigeria.

It's a two class society, I'm in the privileged class. So let me describe that.

First of all, the house. Protected from the street by a high wall, topped with razor wire (picture taken from my back door). The compound gate is manned 24/7 by (unarmed) private security. They are pretty diligent about opening the gate only for people they know, either residents or employees. Others they challenge and get permission from a resident before allowing entry. Two armed (AK47) policemen (paid for by us) on duty backing up the private guards. I always greet them when entering or leaving, who knows? they may well be my saviors some day.

The home compound is inside a gated community (VGC). There is a first screening at the entrance off the expressway where pedestrians are required to show a pass and vehicles screened. This is pretty loose, for example a nice car gets waved through and being well dressed helps to get through the pedestrian gate.

The next gate also checks vehicles and walkers. This is more strict with taxis and construction trucks all stopped and questioned. It is usual to see these folks and various pedestrians on their cell phones calling their destinations to get clearance for entry. The community shuttle buses are also stopped here to check passengers passes. For example, my car has a resident sticker on the windscreen and our cook has been issued a pass to facilitate her entry.

When we travel to the airport, we are in a company bus and accompanied by a trailing police vehicle. The bus driver and police both have radios and can call for help as needed. We also are assigned a police escort when traveling at night or during periods of unrest like elections or local festivals. In our private car, always with a trained driver, we also have two-way radios and can (and should) call for assistance if we are ever stopped or harassed.

For example, two weeks ago, I was in the car on the road to the local market, the one frequented by expats, not my usual choice. A narrow road with big potholes and not much room to manoeuvre because of vendors on both sides. A man jumped out in front of the car waving a ID card of some sort and yelling about the "radio tax". There is actually a radio tax, to be paid by all users of two way radios in the state. But this guy was just an "area boy" waving his national identity card and bent on collecting some cash. I had never seen Jesse (my driver) more incensed, I was encouraging him to be calm, but he seemed determined to run the guy over. After yelling that the company had paid the tax, never opening a window that might allow greedy hands to come in, we were allowed to pass.

Getting back to the original subject, that's what it's like without an effective police force. I have also visited Johannesburg where it's even worse, at least judging from the fortifications around the houses, even in the nicer areas. I hope California doesn't become like that.

Namibia on TV

Yesterday and today, Animal Planet was showing part of their series on, well I don't know what, there were a couple segments on Namibia and a guy riding a camel in Australia. Last year I was in Namibia and I highly recommend it, but why does TV have to fake it and make it seem so dramatic? For viewers I suppose, but to me it just cheapens the show. Let me point out a few things.

• The supposedly rare pelicans that are difficult to photograph have in fact been conditioned by the whale watching boats in Walvis bay to fly alongside the boats and grab small fish tossed into the air. The Animal Planet guy was hyperventilating and raving about the rare opportunity. Don't get me wrong, the whale watching trip we went on was just great, including whales, dolphins, pelicans, and seals. But even I got a great picture of a pelican flying alongside the boat.
  
• Speaking of seals, the same segment was exclaiming about the close contact with same, see above, the excursion boats all feed them. Regarding their colony on the beach, it's just a bunch of noisy smelly animals. You can drive right up to look if you want.
  
• The skeleton coast, north from Walvis bay along the Atlantic is a barren and scenic place, but including comments about the hundreds of ships and thousands who died on the inhospitable shores is just plain wrong. In fact there were ships lost, but guess what, sailors learned over the years to avoid the hazard. There was a famous wreck in 1896 that I'd like to read more about where some of the crew did survive. What a choice, the sea full of undrinkable water or the desert that seems to stretch on forever? But today, there is one visible wreck that you will see photographed at every possible angle.
  
• That Russian trawler they always show as an example of the skeleton coast wrecks is not really on the skeleton coast. It's between Walvis Bay and Swakopmund along a well travelled highway which is also know for teenage drag races. And it didn't run aground in a fierce storm in the fog, it had been in the anchorage and during a strong wind was blown to the current location, the crew had maybe been into the vodka and awoke to their new location.
  
• The guano platform (picture) just north of Walvis bay is something I really only learned about after coming home. I love it when some crackpot idea turns out to be brilliant. In the 1930's a guy decided to build a platform offshore just north of Walvis Bay. Be sure to follow that link, it's a great story. The idea was to give the birds a safe place to nest and then collect the guano. It yields 650 or so tons a year of high grade fertilizer with little effort except for some maintenance and collection. That's a business I could get behind. I give animal planet credit for good coverage of this.
• Further inland, the show went to the Okuakuejo tourist camp (as they call it) in Etosha National Park. Really a wonderful experience but they had to pump it up. One segment showed the presenter and a guide next to a seemingly remote waterhole, risking their lives to observe the rare animals. It looked to me like they were right along the low wall and line of benches that separate the chalets from the waterhole. I wonder how they got all the tourists to clear out so they could make their shot?
• One last thing, about those rough and dangerous roads of Etosha Park, they are pretty smooth dirt and gravel and not a problem at all. I was driving a small SUV but a Honda Civic could have done just as well. But the TV guys had to have a Land Cruiser with all the trappings, I wonder how loud the local guides were laughing.

Enjoy some biltong on me and watch the show but remember, they're going for the emotional response, not the reality.

If you can make it there...

New York City. Abdiwali Abdiqadir Muse must be wondering what the hell happened. One day he's a happy go lucky pirate enjoying a cup of grog in his lair in Somalia, the next he's in New York surrounded by about 20 cops of various sorts. CNN's reporting had me ROTFL with their serious drone while Mr. Muse smiled broadly in the background.

Mr. Muse is no dummy, he had jumped out of the lifeboat and swum over to an American warship to get medical attention for an injury to his hand. That saved him from getting shot like his fellow buccaneers and earned him a trip to the Big Apple. Then he declared that he was only 15 years old, or his mother said 17, and his father said something else. I wonder who advised him on this strategy, someone who knew that juveniles can get off a lot easier? Not likely to be a problem with someone finding a conflicting birth certificate.

Sensing a media sensation, there is a raft of people coming forward to get their faces in the spotlight. I guess Jess Jackson is busy somewhere else, but Al Sharpton weighed in, declaring that the pirates were a "voluntary coast guard". Some publicity seeking lawyers have popped up too, I wonder why the ACLU is so slow? Where's Hollywod? There must be a reality show in here somewhere.

Back to the point, why is it that the Navy et. al. can't find and attack the pirate bases when the justice department can find his mother and father and get them on the phone?

Baby it's hot outside

Really hot today, even the locals think so. No mercy from the cloudless sky.

Fuel (few-ew-ell, be sure to pronounce all three sylables) strike started over the weekend. Tanker drivers union protesting over their members being arrested. Yesterday and today, long lines at the petrol stations caused by people worried about shortages. Now, of course, there are shortages, Tina complaining that her danfo fare was double this morning.

Item in the paper about the popularity of dog meat in the local eating establishments. I've noticed an increase in the number of dogs in the last year, maybe this will keep the population in check. In typical African style, a whole vernacular has sprung up around this newly popular food. Four-o-four, after the Peugeot 404, because of the dogs' speed. Headlights for the special treat of a whole head, with eyeballs.

One of the British hostages that has been held by MEND for more than 7 months has been released. Good news for him and his family, although his cohort remains captive. Reading between the lines, I'm guessing that he is having some medical problems, hope he can get help now.

Maintenance guys found our balcony roof that had blown off, and it's now reattached. Those corrugated metal or plastic sheets are a real hazard when carried off like that. Might be a fun Myth Busters episode to see if they really can cause decapitations as per local lore.

Another coat of red and green paint on the tennis court. Maybe now it'll be done. I hope they haven't lost the net which has been stored somewhere for a couple months now.

It's now official, I really hate cricket. The Indian Premier League (IPL) has started up and the sports channel that normally covers Formula One racing (and other motorsports) is now IPL 24 hours a day. What the hell do I care about the Chennai Super Dragons or the Kolkate Knight Riders? The whole thing is just too weird. Before the beginning of the season there was an auction of the world's best players for each of these synthetic teams. Now they play a 54 game schedule. And get this, since they decided that the security is too bad in India, they moved the whole shebang to South Africa. So, can the World Series be played in Venezuela?

We all know (those of us who watched Slum Dog Millionare) that Ricky Ponting has not scored the most centuries in first-class cricket, so why should I watch him now? And Shane Warne has to go home in the middle of the tournament to play for his national team? Pretty questionable stuff in my mind. You may check your Slum Dog knowledge here.

Did I mention the heat?

I should know her name

But I don't. A lady just showed up with a couple others, acting like I should be ready and willing to meet her every need. One of those aging cheerleader types that think they are in charge. Maybe it was the M.D.'s (managing director) wife. I get introduced to a lot of people, but since I don't see them often it doesn't stick. It's like the wives take on the rank of their husbands. One reason that I prefer to live outside the main compound where this effect is less evident. I've heard that military bases can be like this too, I know that high schools are.

Besides the boss lady, the other woman was on her "look, see", that is familiarization visit before moving here. She had advertised a need for some rugs and my wife offered a couple of ours. From her reaction, I could see that they didn't really meet her standards, she had apparently been to several houses and was keeping a list.

I like our little place, and find it quite comfortable. But it's not a palace like some of these people set up. It's amazing how hard the wives work to make their houses look like that place where they lived in Houston. (lots of Texans in the oil biz). Step into one of those places and you'll forget where you are. I don't see the point, Houston is no place I'd want to be anyway, why try to emulate that? How about being where you are?

Cash economy

Big wind last night, just after midnight. Laying in bed I was wondering what would happen if the roof blew off, sure sounded like it might. This morning, one big tree down on road 3 and lots of small branches and leaves in the road. Mr. Chai's bougainvillea blossoms were scattered all around the front of his house. Didn't rain much, but we are heading full speed into that season.

Over here, you pay with cash. Anything with an account number, like a credit card or bank account can and will be quickly emptied. In the picture that's 500,000 Naira, about $3,000 at current rates. All in N1,000 notes, the largest available. Feels good to have a big wad of actual cash, but it gets to be pretty inconvenient. The stores that sell more expensive items are all equipped with currency counting machines. Me, I'm pretty happy with N1,000 in my pocket.

Stop Somalia pirates, how? Give them money. At least that's what one blogging idiot thinks. I'm sure a boatload of textbooks and school supplies will do the trick. Maybe with better arithmetic skills they can divide up their ransom loot more accurately. People please, remember what I said about using your brain? Fortunately that guy seems to spend most of his efforts keeping track of American Idol and other idiocies. Don't those Marines have something in their song about the shores of Tripoli? Maybe they'd like to add a line about the Somali coast.

Checkout the USS Bainbridge (DDG 96) , you can send the CO an email. Got to love a ship that has "organic minehunting capability". Maybe need to upgrade their "capture pirates in small boats capability".

Maintenance guy just came to tell me the roof over our balcony is gone. Only the frame remains, the plastic sheet is probably miles away. I hadn't even noticed, I hope some villager picks it up to add to the roof of his "informal house". I guess the wind really was pretty strong!

Crazy drivers?

A while ago the authorities in Lagos declared that any driver caught driving the wrong way on a divided expressway would be sent for a mental health examination. This violation is actually pretty common, since when one side is jammed up, the lure of the other side being empty is just too much to resist. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to be working out all that well. At a recent news conference the State Commissioner of Transportation announced that:

"About 2,612 motorists were in 2008 sent to the Yaba Psychiatric Hospital by the Lagos State Government in 2008 for driving against traffic and related traffic offences."

Then later added:

"none of those tested showed any sign of mental illness other than that they were generally in a hurry to get to their destination."

Too bad, it seemed like they might have been onto something. If they had found a cause then we might have been able to cure bad driving.

Risking her life

How was I to know it was so dangerous? There was a N20 note laying on the driveway as I walked over to the guest house/maintenance office to report a burned out light bulb. I just reached down and picked it up. I didn't think that I needed to say "Blood of Jesus" or shout "Holy Ghost Fire" to avoid turning into a yam.

I wondered why the clerk at the desk looked at me funny when I put the bill onto her table. I just figured I would spread the good luck around, not realizing that I was putting her in danger. I guess it's like "step on a crack, break your mother's back" from my childhood. You can't know these things unless you grew up in them.

I had forgotten about this whole incident until reading this story in the Vanguard. From that story:

“Drop that money now, or do you want to turn into a yam? Didn’t you hear that if you pick money lying on the road, you will turn into a yam immediately. And if you turn to yam, the next thing is that you will disappear and we will start looking for you and will not see you again because gbomo-gbomo(child kidnappers) people will have used you to make money”

In fact, that column, known as "Bus Stop Parliament", has become one of my regular must reads. It's a real hoot how the author can bring to life the things people are really talking about. It might be kid's superstitions as in this case, the state of the national soccer team, or any other issue of real or imagined importance. One thing for sure is that any group of Africans will find something to debate, everyone's got an opinion and they're not afraid to share it.

My apologies to the receptionist for putting her in danger, next time I will know to take the appropriate safeguards before picking up any loose currency.

Oh boy, Oyibo!

My rap, with apologies to Dr. Seuss

Oyibo (oye-yee-bo)

So you got off the plane, fresh as can be
then the heat smacks you down, and the hum-id-i-ty
You're flat on your back, covered with sweat,
Fresh fish you are and ready to fry
welcome to Neiga, so you now are our guy.
we can call you our boy,
Oyibo

Your shipment's come in, well the boat has arrived
it's in the queue, number 95!
There the container will sit, in the sun and rain,
that vintage wine, just turn to swill
But you're into the luck,
your neighbor's got cut, everything for sale
priced real low and ready to go
so you bought all his wine and think you're in heaven
Oyibo

"I'm coming" means when? You can't get a clue
"Any time from now" means never and when and with who?
Morning is noon and evening midnight
The clock rotates backward with no schedule in sight
Chill and relax, if it happens it will
there's no point in making too much of a blow
for you have now become our
Mr. Oyibo

To the market you go, to check out the show
buy a few things and show that you know.
A papaya or two will taste real sweet
"What! too much" you try to exclaim
you don't know the price, but it must be too high
you put up a fuss, pretend you're in pain
that'll take it down a bit, but not much gain
with that white face, it won't be too low
you're Oyibo

Settling in, thinking you're cool
hanging at Tricks, enjoying a drink
the girls around, sensing some cash
Too many Brits, eating their mash
Should I care really, if Chelsea has won?
Or that Ponting has just hit a ton?
The ferry goes by, crossing the creek
from Tarzan to Ikoyi, every day of the week.
tracing drops on the glass, watching it go
Oyibo

When you see a scowling frown
try to turn it round
Say "Good morning" and we're suddenly friends
Say "How are you" and we're friends to the end
Flashing a smile and shaking your hand,
aren't we all just people, including my own
Mr. Oyibo

The waters low, the power just cut
I jump up and head to the pool
float on my back, head turned to the sky
the Harmattan is in and it's all pretty brown
still better than that traffic in town.
Neighbors come out, start to jaw it around,
Talk about football, oh! that kind! not for me
I'm Oyibo

So how do you know,
when you've become part of the show?
It's easy to tell, look and you'll see,
sit in the back seat and when you feel free
joke with the driver and exercise your patience
God bless us all and get us home safe.
No wahala-O
Oyibo

One thing I will never understand

Brrr. Just took a cold water bath out of a bucket, because the water pressure is so low this morning. It's all because of our annual townhall meeting for us VGC residents. Our chance to whine to the big wigs about the water pressure, the slow internet, the maintenance guys, our security, traffic, weather and everything else they have more or less control over. Why is the water pressure low today? Every hose in the place is watering or washing something or another to get ready.

The gardeners are digging weeds out from between the pavers, the A/C guy and all the other maintenance guys no matter what their trade are busily scraping at the tennis court to try to make it look presentable. Judging from the tone of their discussions, I don't think they are very happy to be drafted into this menial labor. Or maybe they're just discussing Lewis Hamilton's disqualification from last Sundays Grand Prix race, or maybe not.

Cold of course is relative, the tap water is probably about 70F. What I will never understand is this need to spruce everything up when the commander is visiting. What the hey, he's just people, I bet he'd rather we were doing our jobs instead of trying to impress him. (I don't actually have a job, but that's another matter). My job is to procure an appropriate bottle of wine for this event, it's billed as BYOB, snacks will be served. An unpretentious South African shiraz sounds about right.

Is it really a good idea to have drinks at an event like this?

On a more positive note

Enough with the negativity already. Sure it's easy to run down everything, but what kind of life is that? I bring you my list of recent positive developments from Africa.

1. The West African Gas Pipeline (WAGP) is fuly operational. Gas collected in Nigeria is flowing along the coast in a 600+ km pipe coming onshore at Takoradi in Ghana to fuel two major electrical generator plants.
2. The Lekki Concession Company (LCC) has met their target of road completion east from Victoria Island as far as the new toll gates at the Palms shopping mall. Although a couple months late, originally promised from December last year, this represents a major milestone in the essential infrastructure project.
   
3. The two week project to resurface the tennis court was completed with beautiful results while I was away. See previous post.
   
4. Construction has kicked off in a big way at the Lekki Free Trade zone. The port is being dredged out, the land for the airport cleared and warehouses under construction. Even the golf course has been laid out is under construction. And don't forget the world's largest methanol plant too.
   

APRIL FOOL! My take on what's really going on for each of these items.

1. Not. The Nigerians are having a hard time with the idea that another country will get dependable electricity from their gas while their own country remains mostly in the dark. Or as one of the engineers said to me regarding when gas will actually flow: "When hell freezes over".
2. Not. There are large piles of sand and rock where the road will be but that's not really a road now is it? The toll plaza consists of a couple concrete columns standing amongst the piles and the dates keep changing. And now that it's public knowledge that tolls will be charged some people are not too sure about the whole project.
   
3. Not. Today the workers are scrapping off the paint that had bubbled up. Three guys with putty knives. With the rains starting up again I wonder if they will be able to get a long enough dry spell to finish this off.
4. Not. There have been a lot of trees knocked down but there are some problems. For example, there is no natural harbour that can be made into a port. And a new airport? If the new runway construction at the existing airport is anything to go by it will be years if ever. There are a couple large warehouse buildings there, last time I went by, looking pretty silly sitting out there in the bush with nothing else around. And a methanol plant? In a country awash with oil and gas?