Extreme Retirement

(or my life as told on a Discovery Channel show)

(Upstairs bedroom, morning light streaming in through windows, JoJo rolls over, pulls covers over head)

NARRATOR
With the hurricane gathering strength, JoJo only has a few hours to get everything taken care of before the waves become too high. That doesn't leave much time for a shower, JoJo skips that and heads downstairs

Every year, dozens of people are injured or even killed on staircases just like this.

JOJO
(bounding down the steps, two at a time)
But I've got to take that risk, that's just who I am. There's stuff to do!

(Sounds of garbage cans being thrown around outside. Realizing it's garbage day, JoJo grabs the bag out of the kitchen wastebasket and rushes outside.)

JOJO
That's some left over chili that just leaked out onto my shoe. Can you imagine that? But the world needs it's leftover chili taken out, so I'm here to do it.

GARBAGE MAN
Hey, you better get that out here if you want that picked up. What's the matter with you anyway? Sit inside at your computer all day while we do the real work.

Here, watch this.

(Garbage truck backs over mailbox, and then rolls forward over it again for good measure. JOJO and GARBAGE MAN enjoy a hearty laugh.)

NARRATOR
But there's more than meets the eye when dealing with garbage. And that storm is still on the way. Better get the cover on the pool before the waves get too high.

(As the pool cover closes, two tiny mice dash out from their hiding place onto the plastic surface.)

STEVE IRWIN
These little guys may look small, but the bite of the suburban pool mouse is filled with bacteria that can cause gangrene and rot your finger right off.

JOJO
Handle it Steve, there's some weeds that need pulling and worms have been spotted in that area. I better look into that.

(JoJo bends over in the garden and tentatively begins to pull at some weeds.)

JOJO
Yikes! I told you there were worms in here! Look at that one, wriggling just like a worm would. And these could attract those deer that have been seen in the area. Did you know that deer hooves are sharp enough to kill?

(Doe with two fawns approaches from behind the bushes. Music swells with menace.)

JOJO
I knew if we let Martha Stewart plant that horseradish it would attract predators. That's the karma gang looking to consolidate their territory, and we might be in the way. Ever since the garter gang broke up, the entire area has been unstable.

Say STEVE, have the waves gotten too high in the pool for you to handle those critters?

STEVE IRWIN
Looks like that hurricane has turned into a blizzard. We better get over Afshin Pass before the haul road closes. Those miners need this load of gear, hop in.

(As the sun shines brightly through the blizzard/hurricane the salvage divers climb out of pool, scattering the mice and sending the karma gang into full retreat. JoJo returns to bed.)